| A friend bought it for us. |
[Sep. 16th, 2008|01:29 pm] |
Selections from TWILIGHT
Transcribed (Roughly)By Stephen Heintz
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My name is Bella Lugosi or whatever, and I have no idea how hot I am. I live in a shitty town where it rains all the time, and I'm sad about it. Everybody has boners for me, except my dad.
---
"Hey Isabella," said some douchebag. "Can I be your friend?" He was totally stupid and had a small, shitty face.
"Um, my name is actually Bella," I said. Then I fell down.
---
Edward Cullen had like this totally perfect, chiseled white face. His features were perfect. He seriously looked like a dreamy statue carved out of a huge block of hunky rock which was in turn mined out of Mt. Fuckable. His giant muscles nearly burst out of his skin-tight fishnet tanktop when he turned to look at me.
His perfect eyes were like two gemstones under his 7-inch-long eyelashes. His cheekbones caught the light just right, and were just reflective enough to permanently blind the weinery small faced kid who was trying to give me his grandma's heirloom necklace or something.
I was startled. I dropped my pencil.
Edward walked toward me. I could feel my heart racing. He walked on his tiptoes, exactly like a ballet dancer. It was so graceful my vagina exploded.
"You dropped that," he said, looking at me with smoldering revulsion. In one smooth, impossibly-quick fluid motion, he squatted down-- exactly how a swan would squat down-- and picked up my pencil between his globular, impossibly perfect buttcheeks.
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The first 300 fucking pages of that book are elaborate descriptions of how hot a 17-year-old boy is.
--SPOILER ALERT--
Guess what, these are special vampires! In the sunlight, they don't explode or turn to ash or anything like that, heavens no-- they sparkle. Like beautiful prismatic diamond angels! That's their kryptonite! They're even more super beautiful when the sun shines on their perfect faces! OH NO
...And then the last hundred pages are actually pretty cool. |
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| Comments: |
Wow, you just saved me $15!
I have read four Anne Rice books, and I am done now.
I think it helps if you are/were a horny teenage girl?
It also doesn't help my objectivity that I'd just finished reading I Am Legend which is a sliiiightly different vampire story.
To be fair, they do bring up sex-- they just don't spell it out.
She's all, "Will I ever get to bump your ice cold boner wand?"
And he's all, "No I am too much of a dark monster, I would probably eat you as soon as I got chubbs."
Subtlety.
I hate when things are so graceful that my vagina explodes. It really puts a damper on my day.
I just read this aloud to my roommates. It probably would have been funnier if they'd read it off the computer screen because I had to stop every four words to crack up.
ANYWAY, FROM WHAT I HEAR THAT IS A PRETTY ACCURATE SUMMATION. | |
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